Everything will be alright.

I'm in a good mood. 

But I need answers and closure; please give them to me. Thank you.

Matt is right.
Jason is right.
Antmen is right.

But in the end, I'm going to have to do some of the reasoning for myself. Nobody else is going to live my life for me, and I wouldn't rather have it any other way. This life is the one thing I am certain belongs to me. 

And I'm living it.

Bye, I'm going to Sea World.

At this point in my life, a lot of things are going to come to an inevitable end. High school, lack of responsibilities, friendships, adolescence, and whatever is left of my childhood.

I don't want one of those things to be "us."

Please take the time to speak with me about this.

So, today was my graduation party. It wasn't exactly thrilling at first, but then more of my family came and then Albert, Rachelle, Matt, Christian, and Johnny arrived ... and I had a blast.

The day consisted of ...

Catch Me If You Can. Harvest Moon. Brawl. Brawl. Brawl. Naughty dice. Jenga. MAO. Food! Karaoke. Random dancing. Random duets. More food. Drawing on Christian. $$$. Karaoke, karaoke, karaoke.

And ...

- "Oh, Leonardo DiCaprio."
- Albert forgot the "Tearing Up My Heart" dance!
- I attempted the dance, and failed.
- Christian obsessed over a hamster.
- Matt is a very, very good drummer. And I like listening to him sing!

I'm looking forward to the summer. It will be nothing like last summer, but that doesn't mean it has to suck.

The nerves are starting to swarm through my stomach. They're kicking in. It's glaring me right in the face now: I'm graduating, and it's going to happen today. It didn't hit me hard enough until last night. A lot of the time, I had been acting as if leaving high school was more of a burden being lifted from my shoulders instead of an accomplishment or privilege I worked to attain. Now I know that it holds a greater significance.

I'm still relieved and jubilant to be moving on from high school. But until now, I never admitted that I was going to miss it. I will, though. I'm going to miss many students and their overdramatic demeanors and shrieking voices and immature personas that most will grow out of, better grow out of. I'm going to miss the teachers and their sleep-inducing lectures and their smudging whiteboards and their cluttered desks and the stain of their red pens. I'm going to miss the campus and its polka-dotted gum pavement and its greasy food and the profane messages scribbled on the side of the restroom stall, and the hundreds of colorful faces flooding past when it's time to go to class.

College may end up having some similarities to a high school, but it's never going to be the same.

I know my four years of high school didn't happen exactly the way I pictured it to when I was a lot younger. In fact, I spent a lot of time struggling to shove past the awkward teenage phase that most of my peers had already passed. It didn't happen the way I wanted to at all. But I wouldn't alter it if I had the chance. If I changed anything, maybe I wouldn't be where I am right now-- which feels a little silly to say at the moment because I'm currently slouched over my unmade bed with sleepy, swollen eyes and a tragic case of untamed hair ... and my head hurts because I have a lot to do today and my heart hurts because I just had a fight with my boyfriend and I don't know if we're going to stay together and my skin is tingling because I exposed it to the sun too much yesterday and I'm squirming because really need to use the bathroom.

And for some crazy reason, I still wouldn't take anything back. Because today, I'm graduating, and not everybody graduates. I'm not headed in the direction of an Ivy league college but I'm definitely going to college, and not everybody goes to college. I am not a top student, but I survived high school, and not everybody survives high school. My accomplishments are not as great as some of my classmates', and I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with that.

I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but everything simply happens. Everything will happen, whether we like it or not. Some days you're going to want to scream your lungs out while other days you'll want to sing your heart out, only to have it broken in the end. But something will come along and make all the pain worth it. I want someone who will make all the pain worth it. Is it still you? Tell me if it is.

No matter what happens to my heart after this, I'm still seizing the diploma I've been yearning for.

And cherishing it.

Today was a good picker-upper! It was my last day of school. I found out my grades and passed all my classes, so I'm good to go for college. Also, I quenched my craving for Lollicup by buying an Oreo slush with boba. Dave and Buster's for Johnny's birthday was really fun, especially when I hit the jackpot for one thousand tickets! Haha. It was certainly entertaining.

I had been in a low point for the past few days, but now it's easier to believe that everything will be okay.

I feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders.

I'm no longer a high school student.

Thank goodness.

This is it.

I'm tired of the baggage that I force myself to carry.

Because frankly, I'm exhausted.

And I can only handle so much.

I need to be treated the way I want to be treated, and I will no longer settle for any less. I will no longer lower my expectations and I can't let myself believe that I deserve anything that isn't enough for me. Because in the end, I won't be satisfied.

I'm going to have a good cry, and let go, because it's time for a change.

Today, especially after first period, I noticed just how tired of high school I've become. I don't find myself becoming more anxious as my final year of high school draws to a close, unlike some of my peers. I'm not dreading the end of this phase in life. I don't know, perhaps it will kick in during graduation. I'm not so sure.

Let's get a move on, I'm bored with this stage.

I have to learn how to be independent. I bet it feels great.

I'm going to be okay, and I'm going to do it all on my own.

I mustn't lose grasp of whatever optimism I have left. I have a lot to work on, but I also have a lot to be thankful for.

I can't afford to break, now. I can't let myself fall apart; there isn't enough room for that, there isn't time for that, and it's completely unnecessary for me to allow myself to be weak. I can't let this emotion stain my face. I can't let it reach the people around me. I can't be a killjoy-- I don't want to be one.

It's going to be so very difficult while you're gone. 

Especially when I leave so many things unsaid.

* Pride and Prejudice: Progress || 47% read
- exercise exercise exercise
- pay Jen back the $33
- sign up for SDSU orientation
- clean hamster house
- fill out Corner Bakery Cafe application

- buy prom ticket
- buy prom dress
- get $$ for parking in Hyatt
- attend birthday party in Temecula
- go to the salon
- go to prom
- sleep over at Alyssa's house
- finish math homework
- study for math
- get help for math
- exercise exercise exercise
- fill out Corner Bakery Cafe application
- purchase Pride and Prejudice
- study for Anatomy test
- clean hamster house

I think I'm a lot lonelier this year. I don't normally go out of my way to complain about it and I usually don't mind sitting by myself on a curb at school. But I've come to realize that loneliness, mixed with other unpleasant emotions, ultimately leads to a build-up of stress. At least, it does in my case. And lately, I haven't been able to bring myself to vent to anybody or open up to anybody about my problems and my stress, all because of a fear of bothering anybody with my issues. But last night I learned that letting everything pile inside me will eventually result in an emotional collapse-- and I probably do have to start letting people in again before I become resistant to comfort.

Last night, I wanted to keep him even more. He knew exactly what to say to me and I'm incredibly blessed to be loved by him. He's all I could ever ask for, really.

I need to work harder.

I am a licensed driver now! I'm happy. I was so afraid that I was going to execute a bunch of little mistakes that would make me fail. Sometimes, I need more faith in myself.

I don't really know what to say anymore.
Maybe I am over-analytical. Maybe I just need to let go of the little things-- and simply love.